Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

Nic portrays himself as having experienced a fall from grace. At 17, he was “accepted at prestigious universities across the country” (1); he maintained a 4.0 GPA, was on the swim team, spent precious time with his family, and was even published in Newsweek. However, during this time, Nic admits, he was simultaneously drinking and smoking pot regularly. He felt entitled to “a little partying” (1).

Now, he is 18 months and two days sober and about to relapse. The immediate cause is the fact that Zelda, the woman with whom he is having an affair, is pregnant and refuses to leave her boyfriend. Nic runs into Lauren, a high-school girlfriend who went to rehab for bulimia and cocaine addiction. Though she has also been clean for four months, the two plan to relapse together and purchase crystal meth from a dealer named Gack.

Lauren convinces her parents that she has not relapsed. Nic, on the other hand, knows that his family no longer believes him. He details how he refused to believe that he was becoming an addict even as he began to lie to and steal from his family. Nic is aware that what he has done to his family is wrong, and he is incredibly ashamed. He refers to his situation as “this horrible vicious cycle,” and writes that “when I reached a certain point with my drug use, going back just seemed like too far a journey” (20). Instead, Nic buys more drugs from—and becomes close with—his dealer, Gack. The two shoot up together and hatch a plan to use Nic’s savings to buy drugs, dilute them, and then distribute them on the street. Under the influence of both crystal meth and heroin, Nic is thrilled with their plan and feels pleasantly numb, “not giving a damn about one goddamn thing” (28).

Nic breaks into his father’s house with Gack. He wonders whether his family is aware of his relapse. He “imagine[s] them walking in, looking around—those first moments of doubt and realization” (29). Nic then takes Gack to the house of a family friend and the two spend the night there. The next day, as they drive around, Nic’s stepmother, Karen, spots them. Nic manages to evade her in a car chase, but the experience jars him. He thinks about everyone he has left behind and whether it really is too late to go back. He reasons that it is and talks himself into believing that “things aren’t so bad” and that he does not owe anyone anything (35). He continues to use heavily, experiencing paranoia and hallucinations. 

Nic and Gack continue to obtain, dilute, and sell drugs on the street. Gack tells Nic that he has an associate, Joe, who is moving to another state and is willing to “hook us up with his connection, so we can start dealing directly from them” (42). Gack confirms that he trusts Joe and that he has known him for a long time. Joe seems happy to bring them on board as his successors. He imparts dealing wisdom, expounding “on the virtues of coldhearted bloodthirstiness” (44). Joe doubles down on this when he then steals from both and flees. Nic suspects that Gack planned all of this, but Gack denies it and admonishes Nic for being too open and soft-hearted. The two reconcile and decide to continue selling. Though Nic is disturbed by the violence that comes with dealing, he resolves that it is easy, profitable, and much better than prostituting himself for money, as he had done in the past.